L's Fingernails
by Loves-Chihuahuas
Summary: Light goes to headquarters one day to find L typing...with bright yellow acrylic nails. Multiple alternate endings for fun. Please R


Title:Fingernails

By: me

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note in any way shape or form, nor a llama.

**Fingernails**

Everyone in the Kira investigation were working peacefully at their stations: Mogi reading through files, Mr. Yagami and Awiza(or afro-man, as I like to call him before his much-needed haircut) were conversing in low voices while examining crime scene photos, and Matsuda was coloring like a good boy, since that was what L told him to do-just kidding! Matsuda was actually on the phone with a sister police department-though, he did have some crayons in his pocket for some unknown reason, hmm…

And as for L, he was predictably in his normal chair, eyes glued to his computer screen, fingers tapping away at his keyboard in between placing chocolate-covered-strawberries* into his mouth.

The team's pace was interrupted by the not-unexpected appearance of Light Yagami, thankfully Misa-free. After the familiar greetings, Light settled down in his customary chair next to L. Light started up his computer and started on some files. All was peaceful for a few minutes, until Light noticed that something was off… He stopped in his typing for a moment, thinking of what it could be, then he noticed it- the sound of L's typing next to him was faster than usual. Light looked down as the hunched figure's keyboard to see what was causing such an increase in typing, only to fall out of his chair with an unmanly "Eeeewwk!", causing everyone to place their attention on the pair of geniuses.

"Are you alright Light-kun? Should I call for Watari to bring a bandage for your boo-boo?" L asked in his monotone.

Light rightened himself with some difficultly, as he in fact did now have a boo-boo on his poor bottom, as stuttered at L, "Wha-what a-are those th-things on your f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-ingers?!"

L looked down at his pale hands, then said, "Hm, all I see, Light-kun, are fingernails on my fingers. What is so odd about that?"

He wiggled his fingers, and then raised them up for inspection, allowing everyone in the room a good look. Everyone looked at L's hands, and then fell down as one. (Oh, the poor boo-booed bottoms…)

L's brows contracted, and he looked seriously at his teammates, "Are you all infected with some sort of virus that causes one to fall on their bottoms? If so, please refrain from coming near me."

Light helped his father up, since he was all old and whatnot, then asked L in an unsure voice, "L, are you sure that you don't see anything weird on your fingers? Because the rest of us all see acrylic** fingers nails…"

L glanced at his hands again, then sighed as if surrounded by more idiots than usual. He wiggled his fingers, displaying the bright yellow-and-pink-polka dot, glittery, 2-inch long acrylic nails once again, then stated calmly, "Yes, Light-kun. I nor any of you do not their vision checked, as we all see the acrylics on my fingers." L then promptly turned back to his computer screen and began typing with inhuman speed.

Everyone shrugged at each other, accepting this as one of the genius detective's quirks, and returned to their work. Light sat down next to L, and told him in an undertone, "Seriously, please tell me _why_ you have glued those terrifying things to your nails."

L looked at Light with hi trademark I'm-a-genius-and-you-don't-understand-my-cool-brilliance look™, and stated slowly, "Light-kun, for one so bright as yourself, I thought the answer would be clear- it speeds up my typing."

Still looking floored, L sighed and explained to Light, "My typing is slowed from my need to eat delicious, life-sustaining nourishment (light snorted at this), so I researched the fastest typist and found that receptionist who typed fast also happened to wear these colorful, plastic nails-and they are relatively cheap."

Light just stared at L for a moment, then asked him, "Uh, did you also notice that only…females… wore those nails…?" Light looked at L unsurely, afraid that the detective would call him stupid for asking such a question, which he did.

"Light-kun," L stated severely, waggling one of his terrifying talons at Light, "I would not expect such sexist statements out of you! Anyone can wear these wonderful, fun, useful tools! In fact, I had Watari go out this morning to purchase a year's supply for the entire team to improve our productivity!"

L reached under his desk and pulled out a large cardboard box. He then upended the box unto Light's lap. Countless packets of long, colorful acrylic nails spilled onto Light's lap and then onto the floor. Light looked at the nails, then up at L and l said happily, "These are yours for this year! I expect you to change them every 2 to 7 days to avoid inaccuracy in typing due to damaged nails. You _can_ grow your own nails out, but it takes a lot of time, and you would have to keep them painted in triple-coats of polish to avoid damage. I am so glad I thought of this! This will help the Kira investigation so much!" Light, as well as the other members of the team, all looked at L in horror.

"Do we have to?" was echoed by everyone in the room.

L pursed his lips in annoyance, then answered curtly, "Yes! I would't have gotten all of these if I didn't want you all to wear them. From this day forward until we catch Kira, we will wear these acrylic nails to increase our efficiency! It will save lives!" L's last statement weakened the resolve of the team, minus Light, and they agreed with many sighs of "for the greater good."

Light, however, was doing some quick thinking. "L, we _absolutely have to_ wear these things until Kira is caught, no if's and's or but's?" Light asked L slowly.

"No boo-boos either." L answered gravely.

"Well then," Light stated, "I have just one thing to tell you- I am Kira!"

…………………………. Later that evening……………………….

L smiled at Watari, sipping his too-sugary tea. "I knew this would work, didn't I Watari?"

"You did indeed, sir, you did indeed." Watari answered with a smile as he made to remove L's deliriously colorful nails.

L, however, pulled back his hand and said lightly, "You know, these really _do_ increase my typing…and I can reach that spot on my back that I never could before…"

END

Alternate ending time!!!!!!!!!

L pursed his lips in annoyance, and then answered curtly, "Yes! I wouldn't have gotten all of these if I didn't want you all to wear them. From this day forward until we catch Kira, we will wear these acrylic nails to increase our efficiency! It will save lives!" L's last statement weakened the resolve of the team, minus Light, and they agreed with many sighs of "for the greater good."

Light, however, was doing some quick thinking. "L, we _absolutely have to_ wear these things until Kira is caught, no if's and's or but's?" Light asked L slowly.

"No boo-boos either." L answered gravely.

"Well then, I have just one thing to tell you- Misa is Kira!"

…………………………. Later that evening……………………….

L smiled at Watari, sipping his too-sugary tea. "I knew this would work, didn't I Watari?"

"You did indeed, sir, you did indeed." Watari answered with a smile as he made to remove L's deliriously colorful nails.

L sat patiently as Watari removed the terrible nails, and admitted with a shiver, "You know Watari, this is one of the most dangerous things I have done to solve a case…I started to feel the overwhelming need to chomp gum loudly and talk on the phone for hours with other be-nailed people about nothing instead of working…" L shivered slightly, glad to be rid of the accursed talons.

END

Alternate ending 2 time!!!!!!!!!

Light just stared at L for a moment, then asked him, "Uh, did you also notice that only…females… wore those nails…?" Light looked at L unsurely, afraid that the detective would call him stupid for asking such a question, which he did.

"Light-kun," L stated severely, waggling one of his terrifying talons at Light, "I would not expect such sexist statements out of you! Anyone can wear these wonderful, fun, useful tools! In fact, I had Watari go out this morning to purchase a year's supply for the entire team to improve our productivity!"

L reached under his desk and Light, sensing trouble, did the one thing that came to his mind at the moment to stop L from retrieving whatever terrible thing might be hidden under his desk—he reached over surreptitiously and pulled the fire alarm.

Everyone ran from the building in panic except for L and Light, as Light knew that L had seen Light pull the fire alarm, and L knew that Light knew that L had seen Light pull the fire alarm.

"Why the need for a diversion, Light-kun?" L asked easily.

Light looked despondently at the nails, then answered in a low voice, "I can't wear those…..you wouldn't understand…"

"Try me- is it your manly pride?" L asked.

"No," Light answered hesitantly, "It's just that-that-I-I was traumatized!!!" He wailed the last word, launching himself at L to be comforted.

"You have got to be kidding me," L said in an unsure voice, looking down at the sobbing Light on his lap.

"I-it's true," Light bawled, "I had this babysitter when I was little, and she loved Sayu but she hated me because she was just evil! She would lock me in our hallway closet, and she would make me drink dish soap, and she would spit on me, and she would kick me and call me curse words, a-an-and s-she wore th-those horrible a-a-a-a—a-a-a-a-a-a-a-crylic nails! S-she would scratch me all over really badly with them! I-I can't stand them! I c-can't do it! Please don't make me do it! You're my only true friend! Please, please don't do this to me, I don't want you to do this to me too! Waahhh….!"

Light dissolved into a crying heap on L's lap, clutching L's baggy shirt and his nose dribbling on said shirt and all. L looked down at Light, shock clearly displayed on his face. He had planned on making L confess to being Kira instead of wearing the unmanly nails, but his… this was just completely unexpected and sad. His mind whirred, trying to figure out if Light was just lying or was really traumatized. "_Well, "_L thought to himself inside his head, _"Based on Light-kun's history of never crying, especially in such a face-threatening and vulnerable way, I'd say that there is only a 2% chance he is lying."_

Light then started to hiccup like one did when they were honest-to-goodness crying, and L thought grimly, _"I take that back- it's now .5% that he's lying."_ L patted Light's back awkwardly, and said with a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry that I made you breakdown like this, Light-kun. If I had ever known of this past incident with your babysitter and your phobia of acrylic nails, I would have never even bought them."

Light looked up at L with a few tears still trickling down his blotchy face, and asked tremulously, "Do I have to wear them L-kun?"

L's heart twinged a bit at the 'kun', and he answered with a reassuring smile, "No, you don't have to wear them. In fact, no one will be wearing these on this team, including me- you mean much more to this investigation and to me as a friend than faster typing does."

Light's eyes watered over again, and he resumed his sobbing into L's now soaked shirt with many muffled "thank-you!"'s.

………………….Later that evening…………………

Light sat in his bedroom laughing evilly to himself, "I can't believe he fell for it!"

He continued laughing for a few minutes, until Light's father burst into his room with tears in his eyes and exclaimed, "Oh my poor, poor, special boy! I had no idea what that awful babysitter did to you! L told me everything after you left, and he helped me set you up some therapist sessions for the next few months to help you deal with your trauma! My poor, poor baby boy! Waahhhhh……!" Light sat in shock on his bed as his father enveloped him in a hug, and inwardly cursed the detective.

Elsewhere in L's room, he sat in a chair and watched a white shirt burn in a fireplace. "I am _not_ having that happen to me again! He can sob and get his snot all over the therapist!"

END

Alternate ending 3 time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (This one has a warning: there is a slight slash scene, nothing at all graphic, so you can skip it if you wish and see the end notes. And, if you think that it is gay-bashing, let me tell you that it is not at all. Definitely _not._ )

Light just stared at L for a moment, then asked him, "Uh, did you also notice that only…females… wore those nails…?" Light looked at L unsurely, afraid that the detective would call him stupid for asking such a question, which he did.

"Light-kun," L stated severely, waggling one of his terrifying talons at Light, "I would not expect such sexist statements out of you! Anyone can wear these wonderful, fun, useful tools! In fact, I had Watari go out this morning to purchase a year's supply for the entire team to improve our productivity!"

L reached under his desk and pulled out a large cardboard box. He then upended the box unto Light's lap. Countless packets of long, colorful acrylic nails spilled onto Light's lap and then onto the floor. Light looked at the nails, then up at L and l said happily, "These are yours for this year! I expect you to change them every 2 to 7 days to avoid inaccuracy in typing due to damaged nails. You _can_ grow your own nails out, but it takes a lot of time, and you would have to keep them painted in triple-coats of polish to avoid damage. I am so glad I thought of this! This will help the Kira investigation so much!" Light, as well as the other members of the team, all looked at L in horror.

"Do we have to?" was echoed by everyone in the room.

L pursed his lips in annoyance, then answered curtly, "Yes! I wouldn't have gotten all of these if I didn't want you all to wear them. From this day forward until we catch Kira, we will wear these acrylic nails to increase our efficiency! It will save lives!" L's last statement weakened the resolve of the team, and they agreed with many sighs of "for the greater good." They snatched up some packets and began to apply the nails. Light, however, was doing some quick thinking.

Light sighed and asked L, "Would you help me put them on? I've never done this before…"

L smiled brightly, and replied, "Of course Light-kun. I had to have Watari help me with mine, so I could hardly expect you to do yours by yourself." L rolled his chair closer to Light and helped to glue on a set of sky blue nails onto Light's fingers.

"All done!" L exclaimed a couple of minutes later, "Now see, it didn't turn you into a girl or anything…" L trailed off as Light turned overly bright eyes onto L. "Light…?" L asked uncertainly, beginning to feel uncomfortable with the intensely personal stare Light was giving him, as if he were sizing him up.

All of a sudden, Light let out a low growl and leapt at L, knocking his chair over with a loud crash that mad all of the be-nailed team look over at them. Light sat on top of L, effectively pinning his arms to is sides, and let out another, husky growl. "L-light, get off me," L squeaked, only to be silenced as Light planted a fierce kiss on his pale lips.

Everyone in the room stood for approximately 2 minutes (which is a long time to stand still) just watching as Light began to forcibly make out with poor L, until Mr. Yagami finally yelled hysterically, "NO! Th-this can't be! The acrylic nails have turned my pride and joy into a homosexual! Look at him ravaging poor L!" He pointed unnecessarily at the two, and again they all watched as Light licked the entire left side of L's face, leaving a sticky trail of saliva and some of his hair sticking up.

"Mmmm," Light said as if in a dream, "You taste like strawberry frosting my little panda love-bear…" L gasped for breath, and attempted vainly to force Light off of him. The team then started to panic again.

"What if we all turn gay!?" Matsuda shrieked, waving his long, pink fingernailed-hands around in the air.

"We must remove the nails!" Mogi shouted, "It must work more quickly on the younger, because Light turned immediately gay, Matsuda just sounded and acted just like a girl, and I just now found Light's last statement really hot!" Every started ripping their nails off, and Mr. Yagami pulled his struggling son off of the red-faced L and removed the blue nails.

The effect was almost immediate; Light stopped thrashing and trying to get at L, and just went limp in his grasp. He looked bemusedly up at his father, then at L, and asked, "Why is one side of your face and hair all wet?"

All L managed to say as he backed away from Light was, "Just, just ask your father later. No one will be wearing these acrylics. Now just, just go home for the rest of the day." And with that he ran to the bathroom and locked himself in.

…………..Later that evening………….

Light sat on his bed and laughed to himself, "I can't believe he fell for it!...Though, he did actually taste like strawberry frosting, the little candy-addict!"

Light continued to chortle to himself until his father burst through the door and faced him with tears in his eyes, "Light, I just wanted you to know, the events that happened earlier today that we discussed….well, if you are actually gay, I still love you just the same! Now, whether you are gay or not, we need to have a little talk…" And Light could only sit in horror as his father locked the door, sat down on the bed next to him, and began the have 'the talk' with him.

END

So, how did you guys like it? I laughed quite a bit as I wrote it, and I couldn't decide on one ending, so Included a bunch of alternate endings. There were a couple of asterisks in the piece(*), and those were reference marks for additional information on some things in the text.

*There are actually chocolate-covered strawberries, and let me tell you from personal experience that they are they single most delicious candy ever. Period.

**Acrylic nails, just to clarify for anyone who doesn't know(like my brothers), are plastic, colored nails that one buys in the stores or goes to a special salon to have professionally applied. They are glued directly onto one's fingernails with a special nail glue that is a lot like super-glue, and they have to be taken off by force or some other means…. I'm not sure, because I just grow my nails out and don't wear fake nails. Hm, google it.

Anyways here is my most important thing that I wanted to say (besides the story): I think you guys(the readers) should come up with different ending to this! There are a lot of possibilities! I could see some things with lots of sleep-overs, Matsuda-ness, make-overs, awkwardness in public, Misa-ness, OH! And I forgot to write Ryuk into the story, someone should totally write something with him in it, please!

Well, I hope to see that you guys take this and make me laugh so hard I pee my pants, and please R&R!

Merci beaucoup mes petits amis mignons!


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